The Bachelor: Assisted Living

I don't watch "The Bachelor".  I think it is televised prostitution.  It makes me squirm and throw up in my mouth a bit. I have, however, seen this season's bachelor and clips from the show on talk shows.  First of all, he needs a haircut. And, he is icky. Call me Rush Limbaugh, but of course he chose the "slut" who went skinny dipping with him.  He is stupid man and ruled by his penis.  Just like Rush.  And who can really find the "love of their life" in a few weeks of "speed dating"?  That's not reality. What's the rush? (pun intended)

Now, if ABC wanted a true reality speed dating show, they should bring the cameras into an assisted living facility.  The ratio of males to females are about the same as on "The Bachelor".  It's a fact that women out live men. And now with the magic of the "little blue pill", anything can happen. (if you know what I mean)
 And the stakes are really high. When you're 80, the need for "speed dating" brings on a new meaning.

In the first episode we would meet our bachelor, for this purpose let's call him Mr. Peterman.  Mr. Peterman meets his Bachelorettes as they stroll up in dining room wobbling on their walkers. They all toast with a glass of Ensure and the battling begins. Mrs. Harvey makes a mad dash for the door, but the attendants catch her before she gets to the traffic light and just in time for her one-on-one time with Peterman. It gets a little awkward when unexpectedly Mrs. Harvey mistakes him for her son and tries to burp him.  At the end of the night (and before the sun goes down) Mr. Peterman has narrowed the choices down to three.  It would have been more but Mrs. Langston stuffed most of the roses in her purse. (She has a problem with hording, which will be highlighted in episode 4 when Mr. Peterman tries to go into her room and trips on all the empty Metamucil bottles and stacks of old AARP magazines)

We cut to episode 6 when Mr. Peterman and Mrs. Ellis have a private date. They spend the day playing  private Strip Bingo and the scene fades as we see the them from behind sharing a walker clad only in their Depends as they head for the theraputic hot tub.  The two other remaining Bachelorettes are appalled and brand Mrs. Ellis a "hussy".

Episode 7 begins with Mrs. Ellis doing the "Walker of Shame" as she heads to her room from the hot tub.  We also see Mr. Peterman in the hall trying to figure out who and where he is.

Sadly, the series ends early due to fact that Mr. Peterman was unexpectedly found in Mrs. Wilson's room stark naked in the bathroom twirling in circles singing the theme song to "The Donna Reed" Show. He was then taken to Memory Care Lock Down never to be seen again.

Now that's a reality Reality Show!!

What would Betty say?  "I don't need an old man!  All they want is a nurse or a purse!"

Betty and Whitney's Feet: You Never Saw Them In the Same Room

I heard today that the National Enquirer put a picture of Whitney Houston in her casket on the cover of their "newspaper"  Well, I think this is completely distasteful, disrespectful, and in very bad taste.  Which is exactly the reason why I HAD to go look at it. 

First of all, I have to say that she looked "real natural".  Quite pretty, at that. She had a lovely updo and her make up was perfection. (shimmery eyeshadow on a corpse is always risky, but she pulled it off). She had a nice pleasant smile on her face. (rare for a corpse, because their mouths usually droop)  The headlines on the cover stated that she wore her favorite purple dress and thousands of dollars of jewelry. And it said that she wore gold slippers on her feet.

Which brings me to Betty. Before she passed away she had planned out every detail for her viewing. She had picked  out her own casket (a nice, but modest Church of Christ gray). She picked out her dress and had hung it in her closet with a towel around the shoulders so it wouldn't have clothes hanger marks on it. She had not picked out jewelry, so like Whitney, we put tens of dollars of jewelry on her. But, because great minds think alike, like Whitney, Betty insisted that she wore her gold metallic slippers from the Walmarts. She said, "when I walk the streets of gold up in heaven, I want to be wearing my gold slippers." So, gold slippers it was.

Now I am not saying that Betty and Whitney had much in common. (Except perhaps the fact that towards the end they both took a lot of pills) Betty could NOT sing. Betty was NOT Black. Betty did NOT marry a man that got her hooked on drugs. And Betty did NOT have a cousin who had physic friends.  But, Betty had some gold slippers, just like Whitney. And if the rumors about Whitney's financial situation are true, I bet hers were from the Walmarts, too.

Betty's comments from Heaven: "She 's a pretty black girl, but I don't know why they had to put so much make up on her". And she would add: "She didn't have any jewelry on when she got here. I bet someone stole it".

You Are Woman, Hear You Roar

The birth control pill was introduced in the early 1960's. Unfortunately for some, it didn't become readily available until the mid 60's.  So, in approximately May of 1960 when Charles apparently got a little "frisky", much to the surprise and dismay of Betty, she got pregnant.  Even though Charles was a talented musician, evidently he had bad rhythm and subsequently, I was born.  So, when in the mid 60's when the "pill" was available to her, she, and just about every woman in America, ran as fast as she could to the doctor and got on it.

In 1973, Roe v. Wade became the LAW of the land, thus preventing thousands of women from having to go to extraordinarily painful, dangerous and life threatening measures to end an unwanted pregnancy. It's a LAW (made during a Republican administration) that has made white men from all over the country literally go crazy. This decision has made white men picket, protest, become violent and kill.  To be fair, some white women have also picketed, protested, became violent and killed.  I am a man, a white man, to boot, however, I feel that the rights of women are just that, RIGHTS OF WOMEN. Not men. Not white men. Not black men, not brown men, not green men....not any MAN.  It has always baffled me as to why men get a say in this issue.

Here we are in 2012,  Two thousand twelve!, and the rights of women are in more danger than ever before.
Unfortunately, for a Republican to be a "true" Republican today, you must honor the sanctity of life (although they really don't care to honor the sanctity of your life after you are born) and now, you must think that birth control is an abomination. WHAT?  REALLY?  Yes, it's true.  Presidential Candidate and Hater of All People That Are Not Like Him, Rick Santorum (google Santorum, please) who is now considered the "true" conservative in the nomination process, believes that birth control and pre-natal care are "not okay".  And so poor Former Governor and Ex- JC Penney model, Willard "Mitt" Romney, now has to say he agrees with that inane notion so that Republicans will believe him to be a "severe" conservative.  To me, a white man, this appears to be a war on women's rights. 

I have no horse in this race.  I can promise you that I have not gotten a woman pregnant, nor will I ever get a woman pregnant, but I love women.  I LOVE women. And I care about their health and most importantly, I honor their right to choose to do anything with their bodies that they choose. 99% percent of sexually active women use or have used some form of birth control. Abortion rates are down because of it. (And by the way, I hate it when they call someone "Pro Abortion".  No one is pro abortion. I can almost guarantee that no woman has awakened and said, "oh goody, I get to go get an abortion today! Yippee")  I am hoping that every woman that has taken a birth control pill, every woman who has a daughter, a niece,or a young female friend will stand up and fight for your RIGHTS.  It's serious and your lives are at stake.

And to ALL women who love your gays (oh yeah, they want no rights for gays either) and your uterus, you must vote for the black man.  Yes, I said it.

What would Betty say?  "Well, that's just nuts".

2011: It Rhymes With Kevin

Today marks the first anniversary of one of the most traumatic events of my life.

One year ago today I went through an ordeal that is still difficult for me to speak of. I won't go into details, but it involved a town called Pecos, a bucktoothed toothless man (visualize), a club footed mechanic and 17 degree weather. That is all I will say.

In related news, tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my return to Texas. Whew! As I look back through my date book, it's been a whirlwind year. The adoption of my 79 year old daughter and the fostering of this stupid brain damaged cat. I also turned an age that we dare not speak its name. I took 3 trips: One to Santa Fe to be with my bestie, Suzy Graham;  to Virginia and Kentucky to judge their respective Miss America pageants. There were 3 weddings and almost a funeral, 9 castings, 2 workshops and I directed some great kids in a great production of "Guys and Dolls". I had 22 people for Christmas dinner and 5 New Year's resolutions.

I look back on 2011 as a transition year. But to what?  Who knows?

And yet another reason why I say that I have a really stupid life.

What would Betty say? "Did you have your big coat on in that cold weather?"

P.S.: The brain damaged cat is, dare I say, "catterwalling" right now.  (Please see previous post for New Year's resolutions)

New Year's Resignations

Well, well, well....

2012 is here.  I rang in the New Year with 3 of my dearest and oldest (length of friendship and age) friends.
Last night on New Year's Eve, I asked them what their resolutions were for this year. Suzanne and Reagan sat silent and Bob said he wanted to lose weight and meet President Obama. (or was it Newt Gingrich?  I can't recall)   I, without hesitation said that I wanted to try to write in my blog at least 5 days a week.  They looked at me and said that maybe a better goal was once a week. We compromised my first resolution by saying that I will try to write in my blog 3 days a week, and write something, anything, every day.

Lots of you have asked me for new posts.  I have to say that I haven't a good reason for not writing, except that I just didn't want to. The last few months of 2011 were stressful and strange and I just didn't feel like talking about it.  So there.

But now with the new year upon us, I want to write.  I don't know if it's because of the new year or if my attitude has changed or if in even numbered years I feel more creative, but the time is now. We'll see how far I get with keeping up with my compromised resolution.

I have never been one to create a resolution list, but this year I have a few, but this year, they might just be New Year's Resignations:

Write more. (see above)

Feed the brain damaged cat only dry food. She doesn't know this yet, so I expect protests from her and her 3 wayward friends whom also like to imbibe in the almighty wet food.

Have more patience with the 79 year old daughter.Try to come up with creative answers to her pleas to go home. Try and try to help her to find happiness or at least stop asking me to take her home.

Sell this house. I want it gone.  Please buy this house.

Quit smoking.  (Shrug. Sigh. Cough up a lung) For the 237th time I will try to kick this hideous habit that has taken over my life. I would try Chantix again, but I am afraid I might kill myself and that would impede me from accomplishing my aforementioned resolutions.

Make a ton of money. (Shrug. Sigh. Cough up a lung)

And so, on January 1, 2012, I've started to keep my resolutions.  I am resigned to the realization that I might not do so well on this list.  But then again, I,  like my friend Bob who desperately wants to meet President Obama (or Newt Gingrich),  I might just surprise you and myself.

What would Betty say? "My resolution is to not talk so much".  Nah, just kidding, she would never say that. But she would go on and on about how her house is a mess and that I am spending too much on that brain damaged cat and she can't believe that I ever started smoking and that President Obama is a nice looking man but he should have had his ears pinned back.

One Ringy Dingy...Two Ringy Dingy...

My friend Carol's 95 year old mother died a couple of weeks ago. She was more than likely born in a home with no electricity, no phones, no television and certainly no internet machine.  When someone born in that era dies, I always marvel at what they have seen and done in their lives. Undoubtedly, she lived in an era of the most prolific technological advancements in the history of the world.

Two years ago today Betty left us. She was 83.  Calvin Coolidge was President of the United States when she was born and she, too, was born in a house with no electricity. When she was growing up there was one person in their small town that had a car. She didn't live in a house with electricity or running water until she moved to Dallas after high school. She learned to type on an old Remington. She learned to drive a car in the 1950's. She learned to sew on her grandmother's pedal Singer.  She listened to President Roosevelt proclaiming war in 1941 on a radio at "the rich people's" house. She and Charles went on their honeymoon on a Greyhound Bus.

In her life she saw the inventions of so many things. She saw a man walk on the moon.  She and Charles took vacations on Airplanes. She learned to use a computer (kind of) at work.  She started taking pictures on a "Brownie" and took digital pictures at the end of her life.  But there is no question that the greatest invention for Betty was the telephone!!!  She went from talking on a "party line", to a pay phone, to a rotary phone, to a touchtone phone to finally a cordless phone.  She couldn't quite get the cell phone. She talked on one, but she couldn't figure out how to dial it.  The telephone was Betty's fourth child.  She loved that child!!  She could talk for hours and hours and hours and hours. Betty would not have had the life she had without a phone. If Alexander Graham Bell hadn't invented that "talk box", Betty's life would have been so different.  And quieter.

In the two years since she's been gone, there has been so much that she has missed. In two short years so many things have happened in our world.  Thankfully she missed the economy tanking. Thankfully she did not have to keep up with the Kardashians. And certainly she should be very happy that she has missed  The Jersey Shore.

So, on this anniversary of her death, I would so love to call her and tell her how much I miss her and love her.  And then, I would put the phone on speaker while she would go on and on and on about all the people she's seen since she's been gone. Which then would awkwardly segue into how messy I am keeping her house and how much work needs to be done in the yard.

The Real Politicians of the U.S.A.

In my old age, I  have become quite the political junkie.  In a nutshell, I hate all politicians, and yet, like the Housewives of (name a city), I can't get enough of them.  It amazes me that the men and women that we trust with our lives and livelyhoods act like immature children.  Politics, to them, is a game.  And guess what?   We, the people, LOSE!!!

The big game now is the Presidential nomination of the Republican party.  And, as you know, I am NOT a Republican, however, this is a good one.  This has given me enjoyment for several months, and I am hoping it continues until they select one of the buffoons to run against President Obama.  For those of you who are not so politically inclined (and I don't blame you) here is a run down of all the Republican candidates:

And we begin with:

Former Governor and J.C. Penney model, Willard "Mitt" Romney:  Oh Willard, Willard, Willard.  They all hate you. The Tea Party hates you. The Republican establishment (i.e. The Bushes, et al) hates you.  Only 23% of Republicans like you. And they only like you because everyone else is a idiot.  Poor Willard, you flip flop more than Mary Lou Retton.  You will probably win the nomination, but you are like the icky uncool good looking guy in high school -  we vote for you for Homecoming King because you are good looking and haven't done anything interesting enough to offend anybody.

Former Governor and the other white Mormon, Jon Huntsman:   Well, Jon, it might be time to bow out. You poll so low that some people don't even put you in polls.  You are the most sensible and "normal" of all the candidates, and I have to say, I wouldn't worry about anything if you were to be President... except that you want to repeal the Healthcare Bill and you are Anti-Choice and you are against Gay Marriage.  Okay, I would be worried.  But you are sensible and "normal".  Thus, you are about 3% in the polls. And Jon, you have no chance at a Vice Presidential nomination - a) you're a Mormon, b) you worked in the Obama Administration and c) you are sensible and "normal", so bow out now before you become desperate and start saying insane things.

 Congresswoman, Michelle O'Bachman:  CRAZY!!!  You  had your 1 week in the sun,and then the country discovered that you are an absolutely insane and embarrassingly out-of-touch woman.  Now you poll at about 5%. (Still ahead of Huntsman, who is....sensible and "normal".)  It would be interesting, however, to have your husband be First Lady.

Congressman, Ron Paul:  Well, Ron, you're nuts, but you are consistent.

Former Senator and Hater of All Things, Rick Santorum:  You are such a "hater". You hate gays, women and poor people.  But at least you're a Christian, and not one of those "cultist" Mormons!!!!   (And once again, please "google" his name).

Former Speaker of the House and Fat Head, Newt Gingrich:  Oh Newt, why are you here?  You are so unappealing.  Republicans (mainly yourself) think you are a political Einstein. Reminder, you were thrown out of Congress for Ethics violations and you divorced your wife and cheated on her while she was in the hospital bed with cancer.

Texas Governor, Dick Perry:  And once again, you had your 1 week in the sun, and you got burned. The country has learned a) you can not talk b) you actually are sensible about immigration and c) you are not as smart as George W, but you are twice as hateful and mean.  And that wife of yours - that girl will CUT YOU!
But we are not going to count you out -  you are mean and unscrupulous, thus perfect for Republican Politics!

And finally, Former Godfather's Pizza CEO, Herman Cain.  HOLY CRAP, Pizza Man, you are leading in the polls!!!!  Seriously??????  Hopefully your one week or two in the sun will not end.  It's just tooooooo good. Call me old fashioned, but I would like for my President to be educated, informed and experienced.  It is confounding that ANYONE even says out loud that they would vote for you. I have three words for you: "Neine, neine, neine!"

And there you have it, Republicans, have at 'em!  Sad thing is, at this point all of them could probably beat Obama.

What would Betty say?  "They've all got pretty hair!"